You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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