Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
