Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
