I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
