Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
