The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
