can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Sober January is a disaster.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
