worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
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