i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
