weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Randomize
