i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
