The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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