No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
