I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
