You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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