I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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