Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
