Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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