Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
