can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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