Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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