I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize