Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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