hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
