Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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