you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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