Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
