His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
