I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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