just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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