i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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