i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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