after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
