Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
