Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
