Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
