I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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