Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
third nipple confirmed
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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