i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
