I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
