im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
