I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
