Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
