my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
