I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
