seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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