What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize