Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
