Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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