She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
