do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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