I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
