oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
