Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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