i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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