I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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